How am I enough?

This is a question that gets pondered often in my office. It is a core human need and desire to be connected and know that we are enough/okay in our relationships. So often it presents in a myriad of ways: over-working, people-pleasing, lacking boundaries, anxiety, depression, and so much more. This question though lacks nuance and perspective though.

Often what myself and clients are wrestling against is how am enough all the time and in everything I do. This is not possible. On some level we all know this, we know it is impossible to be the perfect partner, friend, worker, house-keeper, dog parent, community member, and the list goes on. Yet, we strive for this. We seek this. We want this.

The real question is not am I enough? Rather, when is it enough? When is living without boundaries enough? When is only pleasing others enough? I don’t subscribe to the theory in psychotherapy but I have found the main focus question interesting (Choice Theory), which states “Have you suffered enough?” This question unlocks a lot in our minds, have you suffered enough to desire change or newness.

This month I invite you to focus on shifting your perspective and your expectations. Our unhappiness and many of our anxieties and depressions come from the idealistic expectations that we hold. That we will give all we can to our families, then we will give our whole selves to work, then we will give our entire energetic battery to cleaning the house, and keep going even after that. This is an unrealistic expectation and it causes a sense of not enough-ness. If you shift your perspective and ask what is realistic or what is reality-based; your emotional responses will be tempered and more manageable. So you didn’t get the dishes done, dishes are meant to be in a perpetual cycle not an end destination. Focus on what part of the cycle you are in with dishes or your house being clean.

I hope this resonates with some of you and know that I to am working constantly on this focus in my own life. I wish you all the best and will continue to utilize this space to connect in a new way with you. Be on the lookout for myself and my best friend’s (Ali) podcast that is debuting this Fall with The Real Mainstream.